Some people reckon that Marriages are made in heaven. While it sounds very romantic and idyllic, I feel it is complete Bull Shit. On the contrary,I feel that Marriages are made in hell. Let me tell you why! I am not talking about the concept of marriage and the fact that marriage is hell. Not that I believe marriage is great, but then I want to talk about the marriage day, the actual day.
Have you ever wondered why people at marriages seem to have a stroke of Alzheimer’s? Or is it like they get up, make up and show up but unfortunately leave their bloody brains behind? Have you ever realized that they ask you the same question every time? Relative: How are you? Me: I am fine. Relative: So you are living in Bangalore, right? Me: No I am back living with mom and dad. Relative: What? (A surprised look with a gaping mouth). Now I don’t mind answering the same question again and again, but how can you be surprised at the same thing a dozen times? How can you widen your eyes and open your mouth in amazement. Now this is what I call hell.
Consequently, you sit there alone, in between two groups which seem to be light years far away from each other. On one side, we have the women, who are slightly made up more than the bride herself. Now I am not saying that women need to attend marriages looking dull and shabby, but don’t you think that their makeup would be serious contenders in any unbiased award functions? Don’t you think they look as plastic on the outside as on the inside? On the other hand, the bridesmaids known as “Manapenn Thozhi” are dangerous for the bride. Don’t get me wrong, but why is it that they look better than the bride? Why? Why do the bridesmaids do this to the bride on their special day? Anyway these pale women, who look unfairly fair, chat about extremely important issues. They include Jewellery, personal problems of others, and their frequent trips to America where they have a prestigious job of unpaid nannies. Some of them are very interesting, you know.
On the other hand, we have top politicians, financial analysts and management gurus who are the best in the world, and unfortunately life has kicked them in the back side, and they have ended up having a lousy job. Conversations include inability of CEO’s today, lack of intelligence in young people, and mediocrity of the entire world other than them. Please also note that the mothers of the people they talk about aren’t of good character and that the people were born out of illegitimate affair. Now this is what I call hell.
You also got to deal with many grandmothers and grandfathers, who seem to ask you if you remember them. A frank answer isn’t expected out of you, so please keep it to yourself. Also I never understood why some old people press our hands and hold them really tight as they speak. I never really understood that. Then it hit me, I guess their Arthritis had made their fingers really weak, and they needed constant exercise to keep them active. The next time you go to a marriage, carry a sponge or that exercise thingy that people use. It would help you, you won’t have a conversation and the oldies can get some exercise.
Now you sit through all of this, and suddenly you see that the entire hall is empty. Then you realize that the food is ready. You blast your way into the dining hall, and get a seat for yourself, and just when you sit down to eat, you see yourself on those damn televisions. Isn’t it wonderful to know that you are being filmed while you eat? Imagine having food, and you having to eat decently just because you are being filmed? It’s a tough task. However, valour of certain people is to be admired as they lick Sambhar and Rasam off their forearms, while being filmed. They also smile at the camera in the end. Sweet isn’t it? Rumour has it that videos of marriages are about to come in 3D.
I guess that’s all there is about marriages or did I miss something? Wait a minute. Oh I never spoke about the bride and the groom. Well you can’t blame me as the only people who are totally ignored in marriages are the bride and groom themselves. I am sorry but who gives a shit about them. Let them sweat profusely leaking make up all over, let them take pictures with strangers which they will cherish their entire life with, let them sit in the heat while smoke bellows out of the “Omagundam”, let them tire and lose energy, and let them have a horrible time on an auspicious day. We don’t give a damn.
Well that’s what I call Hell. To Hell with the phrase “Marriages are made in heaven”.